This is not a good day. After spending days trying to be patient for all the things that happening lately and just smile it off, I finnaly came to the phase where I can't hold it anymore and just feel so ticked off. I sit alone at the abandoned garden of the old school building. Looking down at my shoes while holding myself to not fall asleep due to the fatigue of stress that I'm letting go slowly so it won't burst.
Everyone has such a high expectations on me. They called me the sunshine, the angel, and I do care for them so much, enough to make me choose to suffer all alone like this. I always lend them my shoulders when they need, but it seems my burden will be too hard for them to take a share on it. It's always been like that... And I'll be okay in the next few days. I just need some moments to disappear from the world, from everyone's eyes.
I sigh and lean back to the wall behind me. This is kinda ironic. Weirdly only at this place where everything seems like falling down I can take a breath. This place is so peaceful. People left this garden without maintenance for ages. It's not weird that it seems like I'm thrown back accross the time everytime I sit here. It's magical. If only there's some cushions or something, it'll be perfect for me to relax.
I looked up to the window of the girls bathroom on the third floor. Thinking of a certain toilet ghost boy who must be having fun playing games with mokkes while Nene and Kou help him cleaning the bathroom like they are his slaves. What an easy life. I bet he doesn't have much worries since he's already dead.
No.
I shook my head and give my cheeks a slap. I shouldn't think like that. That's a bad way of seeing stuffs. He's my friend, I shouldn't get jealous like that. Well, I shouldn't be jealous of anyone. I brought all the bad things to myself after all. Arrogantly playing like a saviour everytime. I got no one else to blame but me. I naively always think that I can handle everything by myself when in fact they all just weighting me down. It's so heavy that I feel like it's hard to take some oxygen. It's my fault.
I start to choke up thinking these negative thoughts. I shook my head again to brush it off. I don't wanna cry now, but my eyes feels like it's burning. I quickly stood up and step back to the empty halls. Hiding from the view reach of the toilet window as I quietly sobs.
Think of happy things... Think of happy things... Think of–
"There you are!"
The voice behind my back got me startled. There's no time for me to questions stuffs in my head, so I quickly wipe off my cheeks as I try my best to smile. Turning around and acting like everything is okay since the ghost boy is right here.
"Oh, Hanako-kun! Nice to see you here. Are you picking me up to clean the toilets?"
"Yeah! I think it's weird that you're not coming today. That feels unusual." He replied with his casual bright smile. "You're not thinking of skipping are you?"
I hold a laughter. "Pffft. I'm never responsible for that in the first place. I'm just there to kill time. You have a deal with Nene, but you don't have one with me. You' re only lucky to get to know me cause I'm the far lineage of the infamous exorcist family."
I spoke my reason to him as I raised an eyebrow. "You should be thankful that I often come by my own. And now you look for me because you missed me?"
"Well, let's forget about the toilet for now. Wanna walk with me? It's rare for us to spend alone time lately." He landed his foot on the hallway. He can just fly all the way though, no one would see him anyway.
I nodded my head, yes. He didn't deny my question, so that means I'm right. It's funny how he's shy to admit it, I thought to myself with a small grin. "Got anything funny happening today that you wanted to tell me? Since I'm all yours for now, I'll lend my ears for your chat."
"Rather than me, what about you? You keep coming alone to this place with some conflicted face." He said, poking on me instead.
"Ugh." That's why I ask him first so he won't focus on me. But, wait...
"You saw me?" I turned my gaze on him with wide eyes. "Eh, wha–"
"It's not that weird if you think of it, you're on my view reach."
Right.
Then that means he saw me a lot like this before and decided to ignore it until just now. I knew it. People are ignorant to me despite how much I love them. An angel they said? I'm more like a dumb girl who let everyone make a use of me. And I bet this toilet ghost only care for Nene. It's always been visible to anyone's eyes but Nene's.
"I don't wanna answer that." I unconsciously huffed as my eyebrows create a frown. He can have his own romance life and leave me out of it.
Hanako glance at me for a second as he sighs. "That's to be expected. I keep wondering for a long time and it seems you won't tell anyone no matter what. So today is not the day either, huh."
Suddenly he stops on his tracks. I confusedly look back at him. "Hanako-kun?"
"Hey, y/n, tell me what are friends for?" This time his smile is thin when he asked me for my opinion.
Why he suddenly ask that? What are friends for?
"Friends are... For... Uh... Accompanying each other and help each other? Being happy together and get through the hard times together?" I don't know why, but suddenly I feel flustered.
"Then what are you doing now? Am I not your friend?" He asked me more questions.
"No, of course not. You're my friend!" I told him panically and everything just sink in now. "Ah–"
He let out another sigh, but this time, it's with a smile that spoke : what am I gonna do with you?
He took some steps closer and hug me. "y/n, listen to me."
"Y-yeah, what?" I don't know what's happening. I think my head is in a mess with how much I'm suprised with his hug that feels so different from any of his usual hugs before. This is the first time he hugs me like this and he doesn't let it go as fast as usual.
He continue. "I maybe not someone who could give you the best advice, but I'm always here if you need someone to listen to you. It makes me sad that everytime you're depressed I should let you have your alone time and keep everything in by yourself. I don't want you to feel forced when you decided to tell me things. But, I want you to know, you always have me here.
"Lean on me, okay? Even Yashiro at the first meeting already rely on me, that exorcist kid too. I want to be someone you can relied on to. So, come to me when you're having a hard time. I'll be there for you, as much as you're always be there for me. I bet Yashiro and that kid would want that too."
I thought he's going to be mad at me. But turned out he isn't? He is upset cause I never tell him anything even though we're friends?
"But aren't you busy thinking of how to save Nene's life?" I unconsciously spout out when he let go.
He huffed with a bothered smile. "I have enough capacity to worry about you too."
"That sounds like something you would say to a second wife to be honest–"
"Second what now?"
I burst out laughing. "I'm just kidding! Thanks anyway. I'll be sure to come to you when I need someone to rely to."
He pouted. "At least for now you smile."
Little did I know, severance comes next and I see my friends especially Nene breaking down. I whispered to myself with a weight in my heart. "Where are you now? You promised to listen to me when I need you... You liar."
I glanced at Nene who's just coming out of the bathroom with tears in her eyes. She ran away with her bags. I can't help but feeling sad too despite how much I tried to be strong so I can cheer them up. I stepped into the empty room and knock at the third stall three times just like what she did. Recreating one of my memories with him the next day after we watch frozen.
"Do you wanna build a snowman?"
"Come on, let's go, and play." I can heard his voice from my memories singing along. I gasped and stop for a moment before continuing to sing.
"I never see you anymore. Come out the door. It's like you've gone away–" I stopped again as tears falls down to my cheeks as well. "We used to be best buddies... And now we're not. I wish you would tell me why–"
I laughed at myself bitterly. Is this my punishment because I never tell him anything till the end? Because he felt like I never trust him as a friend?
Come to think of it, he stopped chattering to me too for some time before this tragedy happens. Did he copy my bad behaviour?
You never know what you have until you lose it.
"I wish that you're here to shoo me away. But I guess, I have to step away by myself..."
Silence.
"Bye, Hanako-kun."
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